MEADIOCRE

Welp, as luck would have it, my sons were home alone with me when I received my “monthly bill”.  Normally, everything goes unnoticed by the boys, mainly because Ryan is able to distract them for a few hours.  But, on this particular day, I had an unfortunate amount of pain and still had to be able to function.  In the past, if they had noticed anything at all, I could get by with “my stomach hurts”. Then, as they got older, that would progress to “well, why don’t you just do like you tell us and just go poop?”  Eventually I had to tell them “my lady parts hurt” because they were starting to get the impression that Mom apparently has to crap all the time.  Not true.  So, I bit the bullet the other day, after frantically searching for my Extra Strength Midol, and attempted to explain why Mommy’s lady parts hurt.  I have to say, my boys are extremely smart and catch on very quickly.  It doesn’t take much effort on my part but I still try to play it down a little and take the Andy Griffith approach; that is, turning it into an action packed story with a clear plot that would entertain any young boy.  I’m a visual learner myself so, that’s usually the route I’ll take, along with my goofy story telling.  It works though.  After the school lesson was done, I realized that my sons must think that Mom’s uterus apparently looks like a sock puppet with antlers.  Oh well.

My sons learn best if I turn a life lesson into a mission/journey.  So, in this particular scenario, there is band of warriors (sperm) on a quest to find the sacred treasure (egg).  Many will start out but only one will succeed and the warrior must be very special in order to take the treasure.  Of course, our story HAS to be different because I had to explain why, in our case, we ended up with two valiant warriors.  I just said “something magical happened and you cloned yourselves”.  Totally pulled that one out of my ass. They did get a real kick out of realizing that only the strongest and fastest survive on the journey.  Everything was going good and I was really proud of all of us for staying mature.  We had a little hiccup when I told them that my ovaries were essentially the same as their testicles; that’s where all of our little mini me’s stay.  Apparently Nathan had a “EUREKA” moment because he said “Oh, that’s why ours are so wrinkly!”  After I was able to get my laughter back under control, we went over what the womb was for, what it does throughout the month and what happens if the warrior never finds the egg.  I got a few wide-eyed looks and some questions like “Are you ok?” and “do you have to use Band-Aids?” but we got through it.  At the end, I felt confident that we had gone over everything and I started to get up and put my diagram away and then…

Jake: “Oh, hey wait Mom…how do the warriors get in there?”

Mom: “That’s Part II and we’ll go over that when you’re 13!”

I’d hoped my grand re-entrance into the blog world would be like having our readers envision me riding in on a unicorn, keyboard in hand, while trumpets played in the background.  Instead, I’m just gonna bust on in sayin “HEY BITCHES!”  It’s been a really, really long time since I’ve had anything remotely funny pop into my head; which isn’t entirely true.  I just haven’t had the energy to get my ass over to the computer and put it all together.  I’ve had a plethora of health problems in the last year and a half, some of which prevent me from even going to work.  So, as you could imagine, our blog hasn’t been my number one priority.  I know, I know, it should be.

To kick things off, we’ll talk about me having to wake up next to this:

He will be supervised from now on before he even thinks about shaving anything into his ridiculous face.  I was all excited about our sons being able to play out in the snow last week so I came flying through the house to find Ryan to have him take pictures.  When I turned to see him on the couch with this new look, I think my exact words were “You Mother F*cker!”, while I continued walking by him.  I was fine after a few minutes of telling him he looked like a pedophile and/or a really gross ’70s male model and assumed he’d shave it off the next morning.  But NO!  He made his entire family run errands around town with Wyatt Earp the next day.  NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY, YOU HOMO.  Fortunately, for the rest of the world, he works for The Man so he had to shave that ugly shit off his face.

I’m not sure whose great idea it was to have the kids in our county have 3,000 breaks a year but I hate it.  My sons are off all week for winter break and I’m the lucky one that has to stay home with them because we couldn’t find a babysitter in time.  Since 9 times out of 10, I’m under the weather, I wasn’t surprised to find myself with a massive migraine yesterday morning.  Having to entertain two 7 year old boys when you feel that way can be extremely difficult.  Luckily, we have this digital babysitter called a Wii.  The boys were pretty good about letting me rest, except on those few occasions where they thought I’d be comforted by listening to them count to 500.  They both only made it to the number 2 before it completely drove me insane and I begged them to stop.

Today was a little better.  When I finally got up and moving around, I announced that I would take them to Burger King to grab some lunch and get them out of the house.  Kids can get pretty bitchy if they’ve been cooped up for a few days; just a little FYI.  But naturally, both of them had to take monster dumps before we left.  If anyone knows the three guys in our family personally, you know that on average, one toilet gets clogged a day.  So, after gagging and getting a turd flushed down the size of a toddler’s arm, we headed off to BK where I almost immediately lost my lunch.  All kids are gross.  And I’ll admit, mine are just as nasty as the rest of them but if I ever have someone else’s child come up to me again while I’m eating and they have a pulsating booger bubble, I can’t promise I won’t kick it.  The child or the bubble, you ask.  Maybe both.  It’s F*CKING GROSS!

On the way back home, I had to field this question:

Nathan: “Mom, if you were to get sucked into a black hole, would you be gone forever, or would you pop out of another black hole?”

Me: “Wow, I have absolutely no idea.”

Jake: “Yeah, where would the other black hole even be?”

Me: “I don’t know but I appreciate you making me feel super stupid and reminding me why I’ll NEVER be on Jeopardy.”

All I know is if they had asked me if time was an invention, I would have crashed the car.

I’ll admit, some of my absence from our blog has a lot to do with the micro blogging that is Facebook.  But that’s no excuse, I know.  I can make fun of A LOT more people on here.  But be patient, folks.  I’m slowly getting back to my “old” self.  I think.  Maybe this is a newer, improved version of the old Jess.  I’m 15lbs lighter so, it’s definitely a hotter Jess…a wink.  Oh, hello there, size 4!

Anyway, please stay tuned…