I Want a Baby Something

Ryan won’t let me have a tea cup piglet!  He won’t let me have another cat; he won’t let me have a puppy; so piglets are extremely out of the question.  I kind of mentioned the idea of a ferret once but I think he laughed at me as he walked away.  The only sense I can make of this longing for a little animal is my need to mother something again.  My two sons are old enough now where they have boogers, scabs, bad breath, and stinky farts.  I don’t want to cuddle with them anymore.  They’re gross and never sit still.  I can get them to snuggle for about five seconds before they karate chop me.  I want a little animal to snuggle with me and that never talks back.  I had high expectations for our first feline daughter, Sam, but she ended up being a Daddy’s girl.  She’s among the biggest of the American domestic breeds so she fits perfectly with my large husband.  They were seriously made for each other.  Ryan always looks like he’s lounging with a leopard.  Watching them snuggle together is creepy…and makes me jealous.

After I realized Sam wouldn’t be my snuggle buddy, I got my hopes up when a guy at work needed a home for a kitten his daughter found at work.  This is when our little Olive (a.k.a. O’Leef) joined the family.  She was so cute and still is but the bottom line is: SHE’S A STRAIGHT UP BITCH!  She won’t let you pet, snuggle or pick her up; little brat.  Look how she thinks she’s too good to even pose for me.

I thought that maybe since both of our cats are females that could be the reason why they’re both little shits.  Maybe a male cat would love me.  But Ryan isn’t down with it.  I want a small animal.  I know that much.  But watching How I Met Your Mother last night totally opened my eyes to the world of miniature pot bellied pigs.  I think I squealed the entire episode.  You can litter box train them, they act like dogs, they get along great with other animals and they’re non-allergenic.  Oh, and they LOVE TO SNUGGLE!  C’mon Ryan!  PLEASE!  I realize my ranting is falling on Ryan’s low-set deaf ears but it’s nice to have dreams.  There is no way in hell we could ever afford a little piglet.

Whatever I end up getting, and I will get SOMETHING, it will be taught to defecate on all of Ryan’s belongings.