Oh, I hate days like the one I had today. I was bitten by the jealousy bug. That damn thing. Mine came in the form of envy over a young co-op’s big breasts. I know; it’s ridiculous. I’m hardly EVER bothered by those sorts of things but today that little voice in my head said “YOU NEED TO HATE HER!” I blame it on the weather. It was nasty and rainy outside and it had me on the verge of a migraine, which led to irritability and bitchiness. That short fuse was just looking for something to ignite it. I hadn’t been catty in a while so I thought “Eh, what the hell?”
Anyway, this young girl is an under-grad, ridiculously gorgeous, extremely confident and is about 8-9 years younger than I am, i.e. perkier. I absolutely know nothing else about her so, I’ll admit, my callous judgment was totally unwarranted. She may very well be incredibly friendly. I honestly hadn’t paid much attention to her until my extremely observant husband came home one afternoon and commented about how she had worn a very chesticular shirt that day. Up until that point, she was just some new person on my row. Obviously, I zeroed in on her after that because NOW I was curious.
I’m never bothered by any comments Ryan may make about other women. I must clarify, he’s not disrespectful at all. Its nothing that ever offends me. We laugh about it and I agree with his comedic commentary half the time. I already know he’s thinking those rancid thoughts, in most cases, so why not just beat him to the punch? He’s a guy; that’s what they do. But, being that I was on the verge of a headache all day and just being a flat out girl, Chesty McChesterson’s constant chatter with her buddy was really starting to get to me. I made a comment to Ryan about her excessive talking and, like any douche and normal Ryan form, he asked when I was going to touch her breasts. I was NOT in the mood for it. I hung my head down and pouted and wrote my girlfriend and she quickly brought me back to reality. She put it very plainly; It may look like someone’s shit doesn’t stink but you never know what may be going on underneath their seemingly vain and buxom exterior. She made me realize I had more important things to focus on. Yeah, big breast implants! No, sigh. Jealousy = Wasted Energy.
So, I’m back to being happy with my small boobies, big nose, odd sense of humor and an ever growing hate for my spouse. He knew something was off earlier today when I didn’t join in on the mammary jokes but didn’t ask me why. He’s smart. After work, I felt obligated to explain my interval of jealous emotion and we both laughed…followed by a long pause…and then me yelling “I’M STILL NOT TOUCHING HER BOOBS!” and him busting up laughing and yelling “DAMNIT!”
On a side note, it may not be such a great idea to tell your children the appropriate medical terms of body parts until you’re confident that they can properly remember them. In a previous post, I went over how I explained what the womb was for to my very curious sons. I forgot to mention that I also told them what happens if one were to have a hysterectomy and used my own Mother as an example. Welp, Grandma informed me that Nathan said “Mommy told us you don’t have a Uranus anymore.” Nice.