I’d hoped my grand re-entrance into the blog world would be like having our readers envision me riding in on a unicorn, keyboard in hand, while trumpets played in the background. Instead, I’m just gonna bust on in sayin “HEY BITCHES!” It’s been a really, really long time since I’ve had anything remotely funny pop into my head; which isn’t entirely true. I just haven’t had the energy to get my ass over to the computer and put it all together. I’ve had a plethora of health problems in the last year and a half, some of which prevent me from even going to work. So, as you could imagine, our blog hasn’t been my number one priority. I know, I know, it should be.
To kick things off, we’ll talk about me having to wake up next to this:
He will be supervised from now on before he even thinks about shaving anything into his ridiculous face. I was all excited about our sons being able to play out in the snow last week so I came flying through the house to find Ryan to have him take pictures. When I turned to see him on the couch with this new look, I think my exact words were “You Mother F*cker!”, while I continued walking by him. I was fine after a few minutes of telling him he looked like a pedophile and/or a really gross ’70s male model and assumed he’d shave it off the next morning. But NO! He made his entire family run errands around town with Wyatt Earp the next day. NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY, YOU HOMO. Fortunately, for the rest of the world, he works for The Man so he had to shave that ugly shit off his face.
I’m not sure whose great idea it was to have the kids in our county have 3,000 breaks a year but I hate it. My sons are off all week for winter break and I’m the lucky one that has to stay home with them because we couldn’t find a babysitter in time. Since 9 times out of 10, I’m under the weather, I wasn’t surprised to find myself with a massive migraine yesterday morning. Having to entertain two 7 year old boys when you feel that way can be extremely difficult. Luckily, we have this digital babysitter called a Wii. The boys were pretty good about letting me rest, except on those few occasions where they thought I’d be comforted by listening to them count to 500. They both only made it to the number 2 before it completely drove me insane and I begged them to stop.
Today was a little better. When I finally got up and moving around, I announced that I would take them to Burger King to grab some lunch and get them out of the house. Kids can get pretty bitchy if they’ve been cooped up for a few days; just a little FYI. But naturally, both of them had to take monster dumps before we left. If anyone knows the three guys in our family personally, you know that on average, one toilet gets clogged a day. So, after gagging and getting a turd flushed down the size of a toddler’s arm, we headed off to BK where I almost immediately lost my lunch. All kids are gross. And I’ll admit, mine are just as nasty as the rest of them but if I ever have someone else’s child come up to me again while I’m eating and they have a pulsating booger bubble, I can’t promise I won’t kick it. The child or the bubble, you ask. Maybe both. It’s F*CKING GROSS!
On the way back home, I had to field this question:
Nathan: “Mom, if you were to get sucked into a black hole, would you be gone forever, or would you pop out of another black hole?”
Me: “Wow, I have absolutely no idea.”
Jake: “Yeah, where would the other black hole even be?”
Me: “I don’t know but I appreciate you making me feel super stupid and reminding me why I’ll NEVER be on Jeopardy.”
All I know is if they had asked me if time was an invention, I would have crashed the car.
I’ll admit, some of my absence from our blog has a lot to do with the micro blogging that is Facebook. But that’s no excuse, I know. I can make fun of A LOT more people on here. But be patient, folks. I’m slowly getting back to my “old” self. I think. Maybe this is a newer, improved version of the old Jess. I’m 15lbs lighter so, it’s definitely a hotter Jess…a wink. Oh, hello there, size 4!
Anyway, please stay tuned…