One of the greatest videos that I’ve seen in a while. Real? Maybe not, but I like to think so. The first thing to note is that this is supposedly a female. Shocker, I know. I thought it was a guy the whole time until it referred to itself as a “her”. Apparently, the backstory is that it was bullied out of WoW (World of Warcraft for you people that actually get laid). And now it wants revenge! Or some pie.
So the boys demanded that we go to their school’s talent show last night. I normally don’t take orders from people that think it’s funny to place their bare testicles on my bed. However, since all proceeds went to Relay For Life to support the fight against breast cancer, I couldn’t say no. The cafeteria housing the talent show soon filled with annoying people, most of which apparently think showers are optional luxuries. But it’s about the kids, right? Right? Then why did they have Pre-K students dancing to R. Kelly songs? Is it only 14-year old girls with a hankering for golden showers that should be worried? But out of all the blandness that an elementary talent show has to offer, one act stood out. One girl twirled a hula hoop to music while doing mundane things such as eating Cheez Its , drinking water, and even crocheting. Not overly entertaining, just very random things all put together into one masterpiece. Bravo, hula hoop kid. You have a whole lot of meadiocrity (see what I did there) to look forward to in your long and meaningless life.
Don’t judge us; we’re good parents. But this is what can happen when you forget it’s picture day at school. Jake looks like Lloyd Christmas as a child and Nathan looks like he just snorted a line of coke after waking up in a dumpster.
I never buy spring pictures anyway so, this isn’t really that big of a deal but it’s definitely being added to our arsenal of “Stuff to Embarrass the Boys with the First Time They Bring a Girl Home”. Oh yeah, it’s no joke.
Oh, I hate days like the one I had today. I was bitten by the jealousy bug. That damn thing. Mine came in the form of envy over a young co-op’s big breasts. I know; it’s ridiculous. I’m hardly EVER bothered by those sorts of things but today that little voice in my head said “YOU NEED TO HATE HER!” I blame it on the weather. It was nasty and rainy outside and it had me on the verge of a migraine, which led to irritability and bitchiness. That short fuse was just looking for something to ignite it. I hadn’t been catty in a while so I thought “Eh, what the hell?”
Anyway, this young girl is an under-grad, ridiculously gorgeous, extremely confident and is about 8-9 years younger than I am, i.e. perkier. I absolutely know nothing else about her so, I’ll admit, my callous judgment was totally unwarranted. She may very well be incredibly friendly. I honestly hadn’t paid much attention to her until my extremely observant husband came home one afternoon and commented about how she had worn a very chesticular shirt that day. Up until that point, she was just some new person on my row. Obviously, I zeroed in on her after that because NOW I was curious.
I’m never bothered by any comments Ryan may make about other women. I must clarify, he’s not disrespectful at all. Its nothing that ever offends me. We laugh about it and I agree with his comedic commentary half the time. I already know he’s thinking those rancid thoughts, in most cases, so why not just beat him to the punch? He’s a guy; that’s what they do. But, being that I was on the verge of a headache all day and just being a flat out girl, Chesty McChesterson’s constant chatter with her buddy was really starting to get to me. I made a comment to Ryan about her excessive talking and, like any douche and normal Ryan form, he asked when I was going to touch her breasts. I was NOT in the mood for it. I hung my head down and pouted and wrote my girlfriend and she quickly brought me back to reality. She put it very plainly; It may look like someone’s shit doesn’t stink but you never know what may be going on underneath their seemingly vain and buxom exterior. She made me realize I had more important things to focus on. Yeah, big breast implants! No, sigh. Jealousy = Wasted Energy.
So, I’m back to being happy with my small boobies, big nose, odd sense of humor and an ever growing hate for my spouse. He knew something was off earlier today when I didn’t join in on the mammary jokes but didn’t ask me why. He’s smart. After work, I felt obligated to explain my interval of jealous emotion and we both laughed…followed by a long pause…and then me yelling “I’M STILL NOT TOUCHING HER BOOBS!” and him busting up laughing and yelling “DAMNIT!”
On a side note, it may not be such a great idea to tell your children the appropriate medical terms of body parts until you’re confident that they can properly remember them. In a previous post, I went over how I explained what the womb was for to my very curious sons. I forgot to mention that I also told them what happens if one were to have a hysterectomy and used my own Mother as an example. Welp, Grandma informed me that Nathan said “Mommy told us you don’t have a Uranus anymore.” Nice.
I have some bitchin allergies going on, Ryan is at a friend’s 30th birthday party that included a SCAVENGER HUNT, no fair, and before he left, he loaded the boys up on beans, sausages and candy. Thanks, ass! I will however comment on the fact that I saw the best concert of my life last Saturday night. Muse has been my favorite band for a few years now but I never thought I’d ever see them live since they are primarily based out of Europe. I can actually say they were on my life’s to do list; along with going to the Sydney Opera House and meeting Daniel Tosh! Baby steps, I know. Anyway, I don’t usually drink beer because I am one of those lucky humans that has been blessed with Epilepsy so I’m on an ass load of medication 24/7. But, I took a MAJOR chance last Saturday and drank two “big gulps” of Bud Light, not to mention the dumb-assity of subjecting myself to a laser show; FYI – seizure trigger. But, I did alright and had just enough alcohol to find everything to be absolutely fantastic. No twitchin from this lady, other than ma booty. There were two bands total and Silversun Pickups was the opening act. They were awesome. But when Muse hit the stage, they literally rocked my face off. My voice was hoarse and I couldn’t hear for the next 24 hours but it was seriously worth it.
Jess’s Life To-Do List
Ryan (uh wink)
See Muse Live
Visit Sydney Opera House
Meet Daniel Tosh
Oh, and turn my aspiring photography hobby into a career
I did at one time have the desire to own a Dachshund Farm but I grew out of it. The thought of little wiener puppies running around in an open field just made me happy. But then I thought about who’d have to clean up the puppy poo and I quickly lost interest. I do, however, have a friend whose Mom is going to start an Alpaca Ranch and I giggle every time I think about it. Could you shave the Alpaca, knit a sweater with its fiber and then put the sweater back on the Alpaca? Is that weird?
Ryan won’t let me have a tea cup piglet! He won’t let me have another cat; he won’t let me have a puppy; so piglets are extremely out of the question. I kind of mentioned the idea of a ferret once but I think he laughed at me as he walked away. The only sense I can make of this longing for a little animal is my need to mother something again. My two sons are old enough now where they have boogers, scabs, bad breath, and stinky farts. I don’t want to cuddle with them anymore. They’re gross and never sit still. I can get them to snuggle for about five seconds before they karate chop me. I want a little animal to snuggle with me and that never talks back. I had high expectations for our first feline daughter, Sam, but she ended up being a Daddy’s girl. She’s among the biggest of the American domestic breeds so she fits perfectly with my large husband. They were seriously made for each other. Ryan always looks like he’s lounging with a leopard. Watching them snuggle together is creepy…and makes me jealous.
After I realized Sam wouldn’t be my snuggle buddy, I got my hopes up when a guy at work needed a home for a kitten his daughter found at work. This is when our little Olive (a.k.a. O’Leef) joined the family. She was so cute and still is but the bottom line is: SHE’S A STRAIGHT UP BITCH! She won’t let you pet, snuggle or pick her up; little brat. Look how she thinks she’s too good to even pose for me.
I thought that maybe since both of our cats are females that could be the reason why they’re both little shits. Maybe a male cat would love me. But Ryan isn’t down with it. I want a small animal. I know that much. But watching How I Met Your Mother last night totally opened my eyes to the world of miniature pot bellied pigs. I think I squealed the entire episode. You can litter box train them, they act like dogs, they get along great with other animals and they’re non-allergenic. Oh, and they LOVE TO SNUGGLE! C’mon Ryan! PLEASE! I realize my ranting is falling on Ryan’s low-set deaf ears but it’s nice to have dreams. There is no way in hell we could ever afford a little piglet.
Whatever I end up getting, and I will get SOMETHING, it will be taught to defecate on all of Ryan’s belongings.
Welp, as luck would have it, my sons were home alone with me when I received my “monthly bill”. Normally, everything goes unnoticed by the boys, mainly because Ryan is able to distract them for a few hours. But, on this particular day, I had an unfortunate amount of pain and still had to be able to function. In the past, if they had noticed anything at all, I could get by with “my stomach hurts”. Then, as they got older, that would progress to “well, why don’t you just do like you tell us and just go poop?” Eventually I had to tell them “my lady parts hurt” because they were starting to get the impression that Mom apparently has to crap all the time. Not true. So, I bit the bullet the other day, after frantically searching for my Extra Strength Midol, and attempted to explain why Mommy’s lady parts hurt. I have to say, my boys are extremely smart and catch on very quickly. It doesn’t take much effort on my part but I still try to play it down a little and take the Andy Griffith approach; that is, turning it into an action packed story with a clear plot that would entertain any young boy. I’m a visual learner myself so, that’s usually the route I’ll take, along with my goofy story telling. It works though. After the school lesson was done, I realized that my sons must think that Mom’s uterus apparently looks like a sock puppet with antlers. Oh well.
My sons learn best if I turn a life lesson into a mission/journey. So, in this particular scenario, there is band of warriors (sperm) on a quest to find the sacred treasure (egg). Many will start out but only one will succeed and the warrior must be very special in order to take the treasure. Of course, our story HAS to be different because I had to explain why, in our case, we ended up with two valiant warriors. I just said “something magical happened and you cloned yourselves”. Totally pulled that one out of my ass. They did get a real kick out of realizing that only the strongest and fastest survive on the journey. Everything was going good and I was really proud of all of us for staying mature. We had a little hiccup when I told them that my ovaries were essentially the same as their testicles; that’s where all of our little mini me’s stay. Apparently Nathan had a “EUREKA” moment because he said “Oh, that’s why ours are so wrinkly!” After I was able to get my laughter back under control, we went over what the womb was for, what it does throughout the month and what happens if the warrior never finds the egg. I got a few wide-eyed looks and some questions like “Are you ok?” and “do you have to use Band-Aids?” but we got through it. At the end, I felt confident that we had gone over everything and I started to get up and put my diagram away and then…
Jake: “Oh, hey wait Mom…how do the warriors get in there?”
Mom: “That’s Part II and we’ll go over that when you’re 13!”
I’d hoped my grand re-entrance into the blog world would be like having our readers envision me riding in on a unicorn, keyboard in hand, while trumpets played in the background. Instead, I’m just gonna bust on in sayin “HEY BITCHES!” It’s been a really, really long time since I’ve had anything remotely funny pop into my head; which isn’t entirely true. I just haven’t had the energy to get my ass over to the computer and put it all together. I’ve had a plethora of health problems in the last year and a half, some of which prevent me from even going to work. So, as you could imagine, our blog hasn’t been my number one priority. I know, I know, it should be.
To kick things off, we’ll talk about me having to wake up next to this:
He will be supervised from now on before he even thinks about shaving anything into his ridiculous face. I was all excited about our sons being able to play out in the snow last week so I came flying through the house to find Ryan to have him take pictures. When I turned to see him on the couch with this new look, I think my exact words were “You Mother F*cker!”, while I continued walking by him. I was fine after a few minutes of telling him he looked like a pedophile and/or a really gross ’70s male model and assumed he’d shave it off the next morning. But NO! He made his entire family run errands around town with Wyatt Earp the next day. NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY, YOU HOMO. Fortunately, for the rest of the world, he works for The Man so he had to shave that ugly shit off his face.
I’m not sure whose great idea it was to have the kids in our county have 3,000 breaks a year but I hate it. My sons are off all week for winter break and I’m the lucky one that has to stay home with them because we couldn’t find a babysitter in time. Since 9 times out of 10, I’m under the weather, I wasn’t surprised to find myself with a massive migraine yesterday morning. Having to entertain two 7 year old boys when you feel that way can be extremely difficult. Luckily, we have this digital babysitter called a Wii. The boys were pretty good about letting me rest, except on those few occasions where they thought I’d be comforted by listening to them count to 500. They both only made it to the number 2 before it completely drove me insane and I begged them to stop.
Today was a little better. When I finally got up and moving around, I announced that I would take them to Burger King to grab some lunch and get them out of the house. Kids can get pretty bitchy if they’ve been cooped up for a few days; just a little FYI. But naturally, both of them had to take monster dumps before we left. If anyone knows the three guys in our family personally, you know that on average, one toilet gets clogged a day. So, after gagging and getting a turd flushed down the size of a toddler’s arm, we headed off to BK where I almost immediately lost my lunch. All kids are gross. And I’ll admit, mine are just as nasty as the rest of them but if I ever have someone else’s child come up to me again while I’m eating and they have a pulsating booger bubble, I can’t promise I won’t kick it. The child or the bubble, you ask. Maybe both. It’s F*CKING GROSS!
On the way back home, I had to field this question:
Nathan: “Mom, if you were to get sucked into a black hole, would you be gone forever, or would you pop out of another black hole?”
Me: “Wow, I have absolutely no idea.”
Jake: “Yeah, where would the other black hole even be?”
Me: “I don’t know but I appreciate you making me feel super stupid and reminding me why I’ll NEVER be on Jeopardy.”
All I know is if they had asked me if time was an invention, I would have crashed the car.
I’ll admit, some of my absence from our blog has a lot to do with the micro blogging that is Facebook. But that’s no excuse, I know. I can make fun of A LOT more people on here. But be patient, folks. I’m slowly getting back to my “old” self. I think. Maybe this is a newer, improved version of the old Jess. I’m 15lbs lighter so, it’s definitely a hotter Jess…a wink. Oh, hello there, size 4!
